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Facing Conflict - Difficult Conversations
“When conflict is ignored– especially at the top– the
result will be an enterprise that competes more passionately with
itself than with its competitors.”— Howard M. Guttman,
When Goliaths Clash, 2003.
Managers spend an inordinate amount of time putting out fires,
particularly interpersonal ones. A manager may spend 20 percent
of his or her time managing conflict of one degree or another.
As long as Western culture values democratic
processes and individual freedom, there will be those who are
encouraged to debate. This is
not necessarily a bad thing because innovative ideas often spring
from those who refuse to “go
along just to get along.”
Conflict is not something to be suppressed in an organization,
and is not to be ignored. Left alone, conflict and interpersonal
stress only get worse. Eliminating conflict is not the answer.
Companies that try that approach are as doomed to failure as those
who try to ignore it.
Some predict that conflict is increasing
in organizations because of the pressure on people to produce
more and better with less. Uncertain
job security, a fluctuating economy, the stress of technological
advancements– along with a background of war and terrorism– provide
more factors that put people on edge.
There is a strong link between the ability to resolve conflict
effectively and perceived effectiveness as a leader. According
to research from the Management Development Institute of Eckerd
College, managers who resolve conflict by perspective taking, creating
solutions, expressing emotions and reaching out are considered
to be effective. Executives who demonstrate these behaviors are
seen as successful and more suitable for promotion.
Conflict is normal and natural and can be a productive stimulant
for creative processes. Managed well, it can motivate and energize
individuals to stretch themselves, to be open to learning from
others different from themselves, and to move beyond status quo
operations.
Three Sources of Conflict
Three factors contributing to conflict in organizations are:
Differences in behavior and communicating styles
Differences in priorities and values
Workplace conditions, including poor communications from leaders
Some personalities just seem to clash.
It is important to determine
why two people rub each other the wrong way. Do they have opposing
behavior styles? For example, an introvert can be judged as hard
to read and even untrustworthy to an extrovert who is open and
expressive about everything. A time-conscious and highly organized
individual can judge a more spontaneous person harshly and find
that person’s
different priorities a source of irritation.
Understanding basic human differences
can help people overcome being judgmental and can help them accept
differences. Training in any
of several assessment tools, for example MBTI, DISC, or 360’s,
is a good start. Attending workshops on behavior styles is another
option. An extrovert can learn to ask questions to draw out an
introvert in order to gain a better understanding. A highly organized
person can learn to set more realistic deadlines for those who
are less organized. Taking the time to understand basic differences
can prevent personality clashes and conflict before these become
on-going problems.
Expectations and Assumptions
People have different needs, values, beliefs, assumptions, experience
levels, expectations and cultural frameworks. When people form
expectations for the future (based on their experiences and interpretations
of the past) their perceptions of reality can differ from one another,
and conflict can arise.
It is necessary to explore expectations, assumptions, underlying
values and priorities. This can be done openly in group or team
sessions, individually by a manager or coach, or in small groups
of conflicted individuals. When there is an elevated degree of
conflict, it may be wise to do this with a professional trained
in interpersonal skills and mediation communication.
Inquiring about values can help clarify
issues. People don’t
get upset by things that don’t matter to them. Behind every
complaint there is an underlying value that is not being satisfied.
Asking questions such as, “What’s really important
here?” often leads to uncovering competing values and conflicting
priorities. Creating more authentic conversations by asking the
right questions is the first step toward managing conflict.
Communication Skills
There are essentially three communication
styles: non-assertive, assertive and aggressive. We
all have a preferential habit or style of communicating, and
we are capable of switching from one to another as appropriate.
The problem is that we aren’t always aware
of the way others may perceive us. While we may think we are being
appropriately assertive, someone else who is more sensitive or
who harbors resentment may perceive us as aggressive. Add to the
mix the fact that we all have personal agendas and it is easy to
see how communications break down and breed conflict.
Executive Sources of Conflict
Executives contribute to conflict by
being ambiguous in their communications– either intentionally or unintentionally.
Most people have a tendency to
avoid conflict. We sometimes "talk
out of both sides of our mouth" and give mixed messages. The
issues will sort themselves out in the end , we hope. At its worst,
this communication style leads to increased conflict; at its best,
to an organizational climate of non-commitment.
When executives stand up and declare war on barriers to candor,
they are faced with new ideas but they may continue with old skills.
The freedom to question and to confront is crucial but often inadequate.
To overcome organizational barriers to candor and open communications,
people must learn new skills in order to ask the questions behind
the questions.
This may call for a professionally trained coach or consultant,
external to the organization, who is unbiased. Executives may be
standing too close to the blackboard to see their communication
errors. Working with an executive coach can help correct one of
the ways that an executive may be contributing to conflict without
even knowing it.
Organizational Sources of Conflict
What conditions make a workplace fertile for conflict? An organization
with a rigid hierarchical structure and an authoritarian leadership
culture is fertile ground for conflict. Usually such places have
a strong rumor mill, because open communications are not encouraged.
There may be a poorly instituted reward/promotional system where
unfair favoritism occurs.
Another source of conflict is limited resources. When managers
have to compete with each other for resources, their competitive
agendas can limit their abilities to get along with others for
the benefit of the organization. They become more concerned with
their own personal success or that of the business unit.
Change itself can destabilize relations, because people struggle
when they are moved out of their comfort zones. Organizations that
have been involved in mergers and/or acquisitions, for example,
experience more conflict. Rapidly changing environments create
a ripe atmosphere for stress, anxiety and conflict.
Four Ways to Cope with Conflict
When conflict occurs you can act in four different ways:
| 1 |
You
can play the victim and act betrayed. You can complain to those
who will listen and create alliances against the offending
party. This rarely works in the business world, although most
organizations have people actively engaging in such passive-aggressive
behaviors rather than addressing conflict directly. |
| 2 |
You can withdraw,
either by physically leaving the situation, or by emotionally
and mentally disengaging. This
may involve walking out of a heated meeting, moving to a new
unit or team, or quitting the company. A Gallup Organization
survey reports that at any one time as many as 19 percent of
an organization’s employees
are actively disengaged. Worse yet, over half (55 percent)
are not engaged, but simply putting in time. |
| 3 |
You can change
yourself. Most people never
even consider this option because it involves backing down
from one’s original stance.
For people involved in personal battles, who are attached to
core limiting beliefs, this is tantamount to failure. For others
who are capable of looking at win-win possibilities, however,
this option can open the door to creative solutions. |
| 4 |
You can confront
each other honestly, openly and candidly. While
this is the preferred option, this is the most difficult to
put into practice. This is because often people are afraid
of conflict and don’t
know how to work through issues successfully. |
Keys to Managing Conflict
One of the most effective ways of facing conflict involves having
realistic, open, and candid conversations. Asking the right questions
to reveal underlying assumptions, expectations and values is essential.
When conflict escalates, it must be addressed as soon as possible,
before it becomes chronic or pervasive. Here are six keys to consider
when addressing conflict:
1. Create rules of engagement. Establish
procedures and rules for addressing conflict fairly.
2. Demonstrate the importance of caring. Nothing can be resolved
without an atmosphere of trust. No one cares how much you know
until they first know how much you care.
3. Depersonalize the issues. Focus on behaviors and the problems,
not on personalities.
4. Don’t triangulate or bring in political allies.
5. Know when to let it go.
6. Know when to bring in a professional mediator, coach or trainer.
Ten Tips for Difficult Communications
Here are suggested “Communication Strategies for Effective
Leaders” from an interview with Phil Harkins, CEO of Linkage,
Inc., in Link & Learn newsletter
( http://www.linkageinc.com/newsletter/archives/leadership/q_and_a_phil_harkins_1102.shtml ):
| 1 |
Listen
without saying a word 70 percent of the time. Show that you
understand what the other person is saying 20 percent of the
time, either verbally and non-verbally. Ten percent of the
time, ask questions in a skillful way that advances the conversation. |
| 2 |
Become
a people reader. Look carefully at the real message that someone
is conveying by reading his or her expressions. |
| 3 |
Focus
not only on what someone is saying but also on what he or she
is not saying. |
| 4 |
Check
in consistently to confirm what people are thinking, feeling,
and believing. Don’t assume you know what they mean. |
| 5 |
Do
not go into difficult conversations unprepared. First, think
about where you want to end up; then, think about what's really
going on; and only then, begin the process of designing an
action plan. |
| 6 |
You
get what you want in communicating by first giving others what
they need. |
| 7 |
At
the end of every important conversation, review the commitments. |
| 8 |
Remember
that it's imperfection that we most admire in each other. Be
courageously authentic and honest. |
| 9 |
Always
start with the other person's agenda. |
| 10 |
Practice
the art of saying to a person when they make a point, "Tell
me more." |
People who practice honest and candid conversations are perceived
as more effective and more suitable for promotion. Every conversation
is a means of developing trust and commitment. Asking meaningful
questions about what really matters results in relationships that
are more authentic. Conflict is averted because people have a chance
to say what they really mean.
Working
Resources is a Leadership Consulting, Training and Executive Coaching
Firm Helping Companies Assess, Select, Coach and Retain Emotionally
Intelligent People; Emotional Intelligence-Based Interviewing and
Selection; Multi-Rater 360-Degree Feedback; Career Coaching; Change
Management; Corporate Culture Surveys and Executive Coaching.
Dr. Maynard Brusman
Consulting Psychologist and Executive Coach
Trusted Advisor to Senior Leadership Teams
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E-mail:mbrusman@workingresources.com . Type Subscribe Newsletter.
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