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Dealing With Difficult People
They’re everywhere. Walk
into any workplace and you’ll
find them. Regardless of your company’s success or employee-friendly
culture, difficult people pose challenges for managers and team
leaders each day.
Some are angry; some are anxious. Others are fearful, negative
and obstinate. Some spark frequent disputes with their peers. Still
others quietly stonewall and fail to follow through on commitments.
You cannot afford to avoid dealing
with difficult people. Whether
they’re direct reports or
peer managers, their frustrating behaviors will take a toll on
your ability to manage others and produce stellar results.
The more serious forms of difficult behavior are, in some ways,
easier to deal with because they are blatant and often illegal.
In cases of harassment, sabotage or physical threats, swiftly follow
your clearly outlined company policies and implement the appropriate
consequences.
But long before overt infringements arise, there are subtle forms
of damaging behaviors that should not be tolerated or allowed to
escalate. Confronting and dealing with these sticky situations
will prevent more serious problems in the future.
Unfortunately, many managers avoid
dealing with difficult people and strong emotions in the workplace. “People problems” are
often cited as the most challenging — and time-consuming — part
of a manager’s job. One study found that 42 percent of managers’ time
is spent on defusing office conflict.
The High Costs of Conflict
Regardless of the form difficult behavior takes, it exacts a serious
toll, including high turnover, absenteeism, theft, loss of clients,
and low productivity and morale. When managers are distracted and
frustrated by difficult behaviors, they have less time and energy
to devote to their core responsibility: getting things done through
others.
Resorting to firing and replacing people is risky and time-consuming;
thus, many executives fail to confront problem behaviors at all.
They find workarounds: avoidance, vague feedback, compensation
for underperformance by taking on more work themselves. Even worse,
they may promote a problem person out of their unit.
With practice, you can improve your
ability to deal with difficult behaviors – a move that
will free up enormous energy reserves. When conflicts are handled
immediately, you and your team will function better, meet deadlines
earlier, create more innovative processes and products, and make
fewer errors.
Three Important Questions
Three major questions will emerge when you start to explore how
to deal with difficult people:
1. How do you respond to specific types
of problematic behavior?
2. What is the impact of your own behaviors and attitudes on others?
3. How do you communicate effectively in a disciplinary conversation?
It’s a challenge to deal with behavior that’s not
criminal, but nonetheless destructive to the company’s operations
and culture. You can’t fire
someone for complaining or whining. So, what can you do?
Attempt to clarify and understand the
causes of problematic behaviors and intense emotions. You
may also need to learn more about handling your own and others’ emotions.
This enables you to reflect on your own behaviors and attitudes,
as well as identify your part in any given situation. You can
then articulate your feelings with transparency and authenticity.
Finally, smart managers know how to deliver constructive feedback
that helps others grow and improve their performance. They are
not afraid to facilitate discussions. Open-door communication prevents
problematic behavior from arising in the first place.
Identify the Problem Behaviors
Everyone talks about difficult people
and personalities, but labeling such individuals shifts attention
from what they did to who they are. It’s always best to deal with behaviors, rather than
personalities – and be as specific as possible.
While problem behavior can stem from
an innately annoying personality – or,
in some cases, even a personality disorder or other mental problems – these
issues are beyond what one can expect to change. When there are
deeper issues involved, referral to an Employee Assistance Program
is usually advised.
Smart managers confine their discussion to specific behaviors:
what was done and/or said. Behaviors and communication patterns
are usually clearly identifiable. The situation becomes tricky
when intense emotions are triggered.
The Force of Strong Emotions
Strong emotions include anxiety, fear, anger and an intense drive
to be right at all costs. Feelings are often at stake (i.e., being
perceived as incompetent, vulnerable or unlikable in the office).
When fear kicks in, there’s an immediate fight-or-flight
response in the autonomic nervous system. In
a nanosecond, people react to powerful emotions without moderation
from the more rational parts of their brains. Individuals may resort
to strong language or lash out to defend their territory against
a perceived threat. Psychologists refer to this as an “amygdala hijacking” – an
immediate rush to either strike back or withdraw in submission.
(The amygdala, a structure in the brain’s temporal lobe,
plays a role in behavioral responses.)
What happens next is the interpretation
of events. Most people cling
to what their rational minds tell them is correct or “right,” as
each of us operates with a set of assumptions about the way the
world is supposed to work. We always operate from our own perspective
and worldview; therefore, in our own minds, we are right.
As a manager, you can explore the roots
of people’s interpretations
of events and help them see other perspectives.
Handling Difficult Behaviors
Step One: Develop a Plan
Smart managers can develop a plan for managing anger and other
strong emotions in the workplace. This
may include establishing policies and retaining employee assistance
program counselors to help with more serious problems. When special
resources are identified in advance and a clear policy is in place,
it’s
easier to manage crisis situations.
Step 2: Invest in Training
The wise manager is open to investing in training and personal
development programs that focus on emotional intelligence and assertive
communications models. Learning how to handle the complex relationships
that arise during work projects is an astute investment that will
save time, energy and money in the long run.
Understanding basic human thinking
styles and behavior patterns will boost your comfort level when
handling interpersonal dynamics. Personality-type
assessments and 360-degree feedback programs have also proved
helpful. The better you know yourself, the greater your likelihood
of understanding and tolerating others’ differences.
It may be advisable to retain outside consultants and specialists.
Step 3: Invest in Coaching
Consider investing in a coach who can
teach your people about human dynamics in the workplace. Greater
confidence levels allow employees to work through their anxieties,
fears and personality differences. Coaching programs improve
individuals’ performance
and ultimately increase the bottom line.
What Is Your Part?
It may be hard to admit this, but as
a manager you most likely contribute some part to the dynamics
among the people in your work group. You
need to examine your own behaviors and attitudes to determine
the extent to which you play a role in any conflict – even
inadvertently. This exploration takes patience and courage, and
will most likely require help from a mentor, trusted peer or coach.
One way managers contribute to conflict
is avoidance. Ducking problems
makes it harder to achieve goals. Conflict arises from people’s needs, and needs that go unmet won’t
disappear. They lie in wait for the next opportunity to express
themselves.
When conflict escalates, energy is
directed toward interpersonal issues and away from tasks. Some
managers may be conflict-aversive, thinking it’s best to
steer clear of employee strife. But if you reframe conflict as
an expression of differences, instead of condemning it, you can
confront it, discuss it and make it work.
Smart managers recognize their personal hot buttons and needs.
When you bring your anger, suspicions or assumptions into a discussion,
a conflict can become even more complex. By asking neutral questions,
you can help people determine their differences and common interests,
which will bring them closer to agreement.
A Checklist for the Disciplinary Conversation
Inevitably, over the span of your managerial career, certain employees
will behave in an unacceptable way, requiring you to call them
in for a disciplinary conversation.
Some actions are so egregious that
the offender must be fired. More
often, the unacceptable behavior doesn’t call for such
drastic measures. It’s up to you to decide on some measure
of discipline.
Disciplinary meetings will always be more effective if they are
the exception to the rule. Positive reinforcement is the most effective
method of affecting conduct. If you provide feedback only when
people stumble, you are missing the best opportunity to motivate
them.
| 1 |
Communicate
company rules well in advance. Some
managers prefer to leave the disciplinary policy unspoken for
fear of appearing unfriendly or punitive. It’s reassuring to most people, however,
to know there are boundaries over which one doesn’t step. |
| 2 |
Don’t
act when angry. Strong emotions
cloud judgment and impede one’s
ability to speak appropriately. Anger also evokes heated responses,
taking the focus off the real issues that need to be addressed. |
| 3 |
Reprimand
in private. If you embarrass or injure
a person’s pride
in front of colleagues, you reduce the likelihood that performance
will improve. |
| 4 |
Determine
whether the problem is with the employee or the work conditions.
Ask if anything is hindering the person from doing a good job.
This line of questioning demonstrates that you are more interested
in performance than blame. |
| 5 |
Frame
your complaint in terms of observed behavior. Describe the
difference between the desired and actual behavior in a clear,
nonjudgmental statement. |
| 6 |
Don’t
describe the problem in terms of a “bad attitude” — and
don’t assume this to be the case. You don’t know
what’s going on in a person’s head. You can observe
the behavior and determine whether it stays the same, improves
or gets worse. An accusation of a bad attitude will not stick
as a defense in a wrongful termination suit. |
| 7 |
Cite
the business reasons behind a company policy. You should be
able to defend any policy in terms of consequences that affect
the business, profitability or employees. |
| 8 |
Gain
the employee’s commitment to change. Most people, if
their shortcomings are confronted in a calm, professional manner,
will make an agreement to improve behavior. |
| 9 |
Coach,
but don’t counsel. Coach the employee on improving performance
by clarifying expectations. Emphasize the responsibility to
behave correctly. Counseling on personal problems should be
left to outside professionals. |
| 10 |
If
a problem continues, issue an oral reminder. Be specific when
describing the behaviors that fail to meet expectations. Make
it very clear that this verbal warning is the first step in
a formal disciplinary process, and outline subsequent stages.
Document the meeting afterward. |
| 11 |
Proceed
to a written reminder. |
| 12 |
Consider
a one-day paid leave of absence. Use this cooling-off period
to focus on transforming behaviors, rather than on punishing.
This technique has shown to produce good results, with fewer
grievances filed. |
| 13 |
Issue
an ultimatum. During the leave
of absence, ask people to think about the company’s performance demands and to commit
to meeting them the very next day — or go elsewhere. |
| 14 |
Terminate. Discharge should be viewed as the failure of the process. Most
people placed on a decision-making leave will return with a
willingness to correct their behavior. When they do not, termination
should be the inevitable consequence of that choice. |
Follow these procedures consistently to fulfill your ethical and
legal obligations. You can then move intransigent employees out
of the organization and move forward.
Resources:
Dealing with Difficult People, 2005. The Results Driven Manager
Series. Harvard Business School Press. Boston MA.
Working
Resources is a Leadership Consulting, Training and Executive Coaching
Firm Helping Companies Assess, Select, Coach and Retain Emotionally
Intelligent People; Emotional Intelligence-Based Interviewing and
Selection; Multi-Rater 360-Degree Feedback; Career Coaching; Change
Management; Corporate Culture Surveys and Executive Coaching.
Dr. Maynard Brusman
Consulting Psychologist and Executive Coach
Trusted Advisor to Senior Leadership Teams
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