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The Essentials of Self-Esteem
Positive Self-Esteem Is a Building Block of Personal Integrity
The way the world treats us is greatly
influenced by the way we see ourselves. We
have all known people who genuinely like themselves and feel
content with their lives. Because they see the positive in themselves,
they are able to understand and appreciate the good in other
people. They treat others with a sense of respect – a
skill they know well because this is how they treat themselves.
When our feelings about ourselves are positive, we show others
that we like and value ourselves – and then others tend to
treat us well. But when we have negative feelings about ourselves,
so that we are too critical, complaining and pessimistic, others
tend to take this attitude toward us as well. How we treat ourselves
helps determine how others will likely treat us.
The thoughts we have about ourselves,
or how we define ourselves, contribute to our self-image. The
feelings we have about these thoughts, whether these feelings
are good or bad, are the building blocks of our self-esteem.
Our self-image, and gradually our self-esteem, can be molded
by our parents, family, friends, physical or intellectual abilities,
education, and jobs. Just as we have definitions for most things
in the world, we also have definitions of ourselves. We come
to define ourselves the way others define us. Thus, if others
treat us with love, kindness, and as if we are special and unique
people, then we will eventually define ourselves in this way
as well. On the other hand, if other people treat us as if we
are a bother to have around and not worth much, then we will
also come to see ourselves in this way.
Some people confuse healthy positive self-esteem with audacity
or arrogance , a false sense of superiority over other people.
True self-esteem means that we do not have to assert ourselves
at the expense of other people. Indeed, it is those with underlying
negative self-esteem who must resort to the tactic of exaggerating
their own worth, usually by putting other people down. Those with
positive self-esteem can acknowledge their own worth at the same
time that they validate the positive qualities of others.
Self-Esteem and Therapy
One of the things that therapy does best
is to address issues of self-esteem. Many of us are wounded, in
one way or another, by the way we were treated as we grew up. As
adults it becomes our responsibility to put closure on the damage
inflicted on us by others and to move on with our lives in a healthy
way. Therapy can point out the ways in which we engage in destructive
patterns of behavior. It allows us to explore why we punish ourselves
and see ourselves as being less than other people. We have the
ability to change our negative self-esteem tendencies and to replace
them with self-nurturing, self-encouraging, and self-enhancing
behavior. When we begin to treat ourselves in a more positive way,
others pick up on our cues and respond to us in the special way
we all deserve.
Techniques for Creating Positive Self-Esteem
Work on Your Private Thoughts
How we feel about ourselves privately, whether these feelings
are positive or negative, influences how we interpret our own actions,
the decisions we make in life, the goals we set for ourselves and
how we relate to other people. Negative internal feelings usually
lead to lower expectations and achievements in life, while positive
definitions usually result in brighter outcomes. Consider some
of the ways in which these private, internal thoughts can be modified.
| • |
Examine
your unrealistic expectations. Negative
self-esteem is driven by thoughts couched in "shoulds,""oughts,"and "musts."These
words imply that we should be something other than what
we are. A more positive approach is to replace these words
with "wants."Instead of saying self-punitively, "I
should be a better friend,"it may be helpful to change
the thought to: "I want to be a better friend." |
| • |
Accept
the fact that history cannot be changed. We
often punish ourselves unremittingly for certain regrettable
actions we have taken in the past – and this feeds our negative
self-esteem. We all make mistakes, and we can learn from
them. In fact, the positive spin on this is that we, as
fallible humans, must make mistakes in life – and
perhaps we should be thankful that we have made them, for
how else would we acquire wisdom and learn the route to
a happier life? History cannot be undone, but we can focus
on the present and future, drawing on our power to create
the life we choose for ourselves. |
| • |
Reflect
on the good experiences in your life. Instead
of dwelling our on flaws, it is more helpful to think about
what is good in our lives. Think about your successes rather
than your failures. We all have life experiences that make
us feel good. Define yourself in terms of these positive
experiences. Nearly every negative thought can be turned
into a positive. For example, if you are in a financial
crisis, it's not the end of the world – because now
you can get in touch with simpler pleasures and more meaningful
experiences. If a friend has rejected you, you are now
free to spend your time with new, or old, friends who will
not treat you poorly. |
| • |
Set
positive goals for the future. Examine
your personal needs, desires, assets and abilities – and think of how
you can use them to achieve the life you want for yourself.
Commit yourself to having the best life you can have – without
feeling that you have to achieve perfection. Make your
goals realistic and achievable, and work toward them, step
by step, enjoying the successes and overcoming the occasional
stumbles. Draw on the positive within yourself – with
an awareness of how the old negative tendencies may show
themselves. Setting positive goals draws on, and reinforces,
your positive self-esteem and reminds you of the power
you have to set your own course. |
|
Try these techniques for working on positive thoughts:
| • |
Write
down your negative thoughts. This increases your awareness
of them, and you can discover patterns in your negative
thinking. You may also be able to see what triggers negativity. |
| • |
Limit
negative thinking. Whenever you find yourself having negative
thoughts, tell yourself, "Stop!"Say this privately
to yourself, or perhaps out loud – or give yourself
a little tap on the wrist as a reminder. |
| • |
Replace
the negative with a positive thought – and do this
immediately after stopping the negative thought. (It may
take some creativity and effort to learn how to change
negative thoughts into positive ones.) |
|
Diagnose the Cues which Lead to Negative Self-Esteem
We have all learned certain responses to triggers that can lead
to lowered or increased self-esteem, but we may not be aware of
these triggers. Identifying the experiences which influence our
self-esteem can take a great deal of work and a genuine commitment
to improving the quality of our lives. A trained therapist can
help in the task of identifying certain themes which we may not
be able to discover through our own efforts. For example, if negative
thoughts happen when you spend time alone, you may be dealing with
abandonment issues. If negativity is triggered when you are criticized,
you may have issues surrounding rejection. If you have negative
thoughts in the presence of a person who tends to dominate and
control, the theme may have to do with authority, judgment and
evaluation. When we come to understand these underlying themes,
we can start to view them objectively and get closure on them so
that they no longer have the power to influence our self-esteem.
Take Good Care of Yourself and Your Appearance
Appreciate your own individuality, your own
combination of strengths and weaknesses that make you a special
person. Without a strong sense of who you are, it is easy to become
vulnerable to others who treat you in a negative way. Engaging
in an exercise program (even if it is only walking twenty minutes
every other day) is a good way not only of taking care of your
body, but also in making you and others aware that you value yourself.
It is important to groom yourself well and to wear clothing that
brings out your best qualities. Feeling good about yourself, presenting
yourself to the world in a positive way, and getting positive feedback
from other people is an essential component of developing positive
self-esteem.
Examine Your Relationships with Other People
Improving one's self-esteem involves
engaging in productive and enhancing relationships with others.
There comes a time to examine our
destructive relationships – and
this may be difficult since we are drawn toward relationships
which reinforce our old ways of seeing ourselves. Try to understand
how destructive relationships in your life reinforce old negative
self-esteem patterns. And try to change the tone of the relationship
so that positive self-esteem can be expressed by both parties.
If that is not possible, it may be time to end the relationship
and move on to other more productive friendships. Here are a
few guidelines for finding new friendships which have a positive
tone:
| • |
Try
to be pleasant with others. Talk to them in a positive
way. Show an interest in them by listening, and share appropriately
with them in a balanced way. |
| • |
Show
respect for their boundaries. Let them be who they choose
to be and accept the differences between you. |
| • |
Don't
expect everyone to be perfect. They're not. |
| • |
Some
people will not like you. Accept this. This is their choice,
and you gain nothing by trying to win their approval. |
| • |
Don't
talk about problems all the time. Others
usually find it difficult to deal with negative conversation,
and they may avoid you. This reinforces your negative self-esteem.
Save your problem-solving talks for dear and trusted friends – or
a therapist. |
|
Learn to Meet Your Own Needs
Negative self-esteem leads to doubts
about your own ability to take care of life's problems and challenges.
This is why people with negative
self-esteem may be so demanding of others – at
a certain level they want others to come through and take care
of their problems for them. People with negative self-esteem, then,
may idealize others and, alternately, denigrate them. If others
help you, you idealize them. If they don't help, you don't want
to waste your time with them. These "all or nothing"themes
appear frequently in the thoughts of those with negative self-esteem.
A mature adult life requires integrity. While
others may assist you here and there, ultimately you are responsible
for meeting your own needs. Acquiring positive self-esteem is essential
to this task. The mature adult relies on his or her own resources
to find ways of meeting such basic needs as –
| • |
Loving
and being loved. Allowing love into your life is one of
the most important human pursuits. This may come in the
form of romantic love, close friendships or spiritual fulfillment.
It helps when we finally give up the unrealistic demands
and expectations that block our ability to love. |
| • |
Having
fun in your life. We need pleasure to function adaptively.
Try to give yourself at least half an hour a day of something
that you see as fun. Indulge yourself in guilt-free pleasure. |
| • |
Pursuing
worthwhile work. Balance your fun with work. Work, whether
it is from a paid job or not, gives us a sense of feeling
worthwhile and contributing to the larger social sphere. |
| • |
Understanding
that you are responsible for your life choices. Your past
does not have to control your future. It is your responsibility
to find love, to feel pleasure, to quest for spiritual
fulfillment, and to do good work. |
|
Some Characteristics of People with ...
| Negative
Self-Esteem |
Positive
Self-Esteem |
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Blaming others for problems |
#
Taking responsibility for one's own feelings and actions |
| #
Looking suspiciously at compliments |
#
Giving and taking compliments graciously |
| #
Holding on to guilt from the past |
#
Focused on the present and future – learning from
the past |
| #
Nagging, judging, and controlling |
#
Listening openly to others |
| #
Letting oneself go physically |
#
Taking good care of body and appearance |
| #
Making decisions based on external feedback |
#
Making decisions from internal values |
| #
Avoiding risks, sticking with the known |
#
Taking risks and challenging oneself |
| #
Ridiculing others when they appear foolish |
#
Laughing at oneself, but never putting another person down |
| #
Seeing mistakes as failures, expecting perfection in others |
#
Accepting mistakes as part of life, open to feedback |
#
Not dealing well with criticism, getting angry and defensive
|
#
Listening to criticism without anger, and not necessarily
agreeing with the criticism |
|
Working Resources is a Leadership Consulting,
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Coach and Retain Emotionally Intelligent People.
Emotional Intelligence-Based Interviewing and Selection; Multi-Rater
360-Degree Feedback; Career Coaching; Change Management; Corporate
Culture Surveys and Executive Coaching.
Dr. Maynard Brusman
Consulting Psychologist and Executive Coach
Trusted Advisor to Senior Leadership Teams
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