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Adult Children of Substance Abusers
Adult Children of Substance Abusers –
Dealing with a Legacy of Family Dysfunction
Countless millions of adults in this
country had a parent with a drinking or drug problem. A
brief look at some of the history of the last century can clarify
this phenomenon. Prohibition was repealed in 1933, and this tended
to validate, or at least give some justification for, the consumption
of alcohol by the World War II generation. Alcohol was associated
with good times and the good life for what is now sometimes called
the “drinking
generation,” those folks who lived through WWII, the survivors
of whom are now entering the latter stages of the life span. Their
children, the Baby Boomers, who are now in middle age, tended to
use not only alcohol but drugs as well. And again, they often associated
the use of these substances with good times. Unfortunately, and
estimates of the numbers involved are vague, a certain proportion
of those who use alcohol or drugs become addicted to these substances.
Fortunately, within the past decade or two there has been a trend
away from the use of alcohol and drugs as a source of pleasure,
especially in view of the devastating impact the overuse of these
substances can have on the user's physical and emotional health,
as well as the well-being of their families. It has been estimated
that one out of three adults grew up in a dysfunctional household
where a major focus was the overuse of these substances by at least
one of the parents.
The emotionally available parent is one who
can read and validate the moods and needs of the children and who
encourages their independence as they grow up. In
these healthier households there is a sense of security, consistency
and predictability. As the children grow up, they gain a feeling
of trust and mastery in the world with the support of the parent.
But what happens in the dysfunctional
household where alcohol or drugs dominate the domestic climate?
When an adult has formed a dependence
on alcohol or drugs, the normal give-and-take of everyday life
can become disrupted. Rather than working through daily problems
and frustrations and modifying behavior to adapt to these problems,
there is always the drink or drug at the end of the day. Have
a drink and the problem goes away, at least in one's mind. The
parent is emotionally unavailable. Thus, the needs of the growing
child are often ignored. The drunk or chemically influenced parent
can hardly perceive the feelings of the child – and usually
places his or her own needs over those of the child. Even if
the parent is addicted to a substance but not using it at the
time, there is still a tendency, because of how substance abusers
approach the world and problems in general, to neglect the child's
needs. The healthy option for the chemically-dependent parent
is to work on coming to terms with the impact of substance abuse
on his or her own life and the life of the family.
People who have grown up in households with
alcohol or drug overuse on the part of a parent have some common
characteristics. Although people from the general population can
display many of these behaviors, people from dysfunctional families
tend to have a higher incidence of these traits. Take a look at
some of the more common patterns found in people who grew up with
an alcohol or drug abusing parent.
Trust Becomes Difficult. In substance abusing families promises
are repeatedly forgotten, the parent's moods are unpredictable,
and celebrations or other family events are canceled. As a result
the child learns not to count on others and often feels that others
don't care enough to follow through on their commitments. Thus,
it becomes difficult for one growing up under these circumstances
to form intimate and trusting relationships in adulthood. Personal
boundaries are poorly defined and there is a proclivity to become
enmeshed with a partner's needs and emotions. A solid sense of
self and personal identity is missing.
Feelings are Repressed. Because of the constant pain of disappointment,
the child growing up in a dysfunctional family learns to hide feelings.
After all, what is the point in hurting so much of the time? When
feelings are expressed in the family, they are frequently accompanied
by outbursts of anger and are denied the next day, as if they did
not happen. Thus the child learns that expressing feelings will
have no positive outcome and they are not remembered the next day
anyway. The child lacks good role models for expressing feelings
appropriately. Growing up in a substance-abusing family leads to
difficulty in forming intimate and spontaneous attachments later
on in life. This is understandable when one considers that a climate
of fear and unpredictability have prevailed in the household. Emotional
over-control is the recurrent outcome.
Things are not Talked About. Dysfunctional families sometimes
create a myth about how wonderful the family is. They tend to deny
that problems exist or that drinking or drugs are tied to these
problems. There is no good time to talk about family difficulties.
If the parent is drunk or high it is impossible to talk, and when
the parent is sober everyone wants to forget. Later in life the
person raised in such an environment may lack the verbal and conceptual
tools necessary to work through life's normal challenges.
The Child Becomes Either Overly Responsible or Irresponsible.
Children growing up in the substance abusing family cope by attempting
to stabilize their chaotic environments and find ways to minimize
conflicts or make the parent feel better. Later on they may become
compulsive overachievers, taking pride in these behaviors they
learned while growing up. They are the ones who help others, yet
harbor anger when others don't do for them to the extent that they
do for others. Alternatively, siblings growing up in the same family
might become irresponsible, hoping, as they did in childhood, that
others might come through and take care of their needs. Regardless
of the outcome, when they grow up they avoid looking openly into
their own behavior and understanding the effect that it has on
themselves and others.
Self-Esteem and Confidence are Undermined. Children of substance
abusers frequently failed to receive consistent support for their
ideas and efforts. The needs of the parent usually came first,
and a parent under the influence usually lacks the discretion to
realize the impact of his or her anger or sarcasm on the child.
When they grow up the children doubt their own abilities and feel
inferior or falsely superior to others. They doubt their own abilities
(and may compensate for this through trying to control the outcome
of uncertain events), get angry when things don't go their way,
or gossip instead of taking assertive action to confront an issue.
In fact, they may feel guilty when they stand up for themselves
or otherwise act assertively. They tend to spend their lives giving
to others rather than taking care of their own needs, as if their
own needs are unimportant.
Self-Criticism is the Rule. Those
who grew up in substance-abusing households are known to blame
themselves for their parent's drinking or drug use. They grow
up feeling they can't do anything right, no matter how hard they
try. They long for the approval they didn't get growing up, and
they judge themselves, and others, without mercy. They bargain
with themselves: “If I only try this
strategy, I'll finally get approval and have success, and I have
to do it well.” Thus, they become perfectionists. Furthermore,
they will do anything to make people like them, remaining loyal
to others even when the loyalty is undeserved. They feel that people
who like them will not be critical of them. When others show anger
toward them or personally criticize them, as they were perhaps
criticized while growing up, they feel anxious and intimidated.
After all, they are their own worst secret critics, and to have
others engage in repeating the old patterns from childhood dredges
up the unpleasant experiences once again. Another common pattern
in this respect is fear of authority figures, people who have power
which can sometimes be applied capriciously and arbitrarily, as
it often was in childhood.
Growing up is difficult enough as it
is, but when a child lacks the support of an emotionally available
parent, the task can seem arduous – and there are lingering aftereffects which can
cloud life in adulthood. Many children
growing up in substance abusing families can't wait to leave home,
with the notion that they will leave, put the past behind them,
and then move on to a happier life. After all, they reason, the
past is the past, so shouldn't I just forget it and try to move
on? Unfortunately, this strategy usually does not work and leads
to more problems. It is during childhood that we learned how to
deal with other people, with trust, with intimacy, with our self-image,
and with our ability to process our thoughts and emotions. What
we learned in childhood in a substance-abusing family perpetuates
the old patterns: they fail to meet our adult needs – or
the needs of our own children.
Coping in Adulthood with a Legacy of Dysfunction
The first step in coming to terms with an emotionally conflicted
childhood is to admit it, and this can be very difficult. We may
have learned to use denial as a way of dealing with our parent's
substance abuse problem, in much the way our parent used denial
in dealing with their own use of alcohol or drugs. It may seem
that the pain is more easily handled when it is cast out of our
minds. But it does not really go away. And the survival patterns
we learned in childhood continue to interfere with happier experiences
after we have grown up. It takes courage to confront the situation
openly and honestly, but the payoff can be life changing. A healthy,
functional and satisfying life is possible and attainable.
Another strategy is to learn more about the
patterns which characterize adult children of alcoholic or drug-abusing
families. There are several good books on this topic. And you are
invited to come in for a therapy session to examine these patterns
and see just how your childhood is having an effect on the way
you live as an adult. You are not alone. Millions of adults grew
up under similar circumstances. There are support groups for adult
children of alcoholics, and there is Al Anon, a twelve-step program
for the families of substance abusers.
An effective way of coming to terms
with this problem is through individual therapy. During
the therapy process, you learn more about growing up in a substance-abusing
household and that there is really no stigma attached to it.
You learn about what happened and how it affects your thoughts
and feelings today. You come to understand your own behavior
much better. And you learn about different strategies for dealing
with your loved ones, your friends, and your job. But most of
all, you can come to terms with the feelings you have about your
parents – and you may at some point learn
truly to forgive them. They probably did the best they could and
we can love them for that. And finally we learn that we are now
responsible, as adults, for our own lives. Our choices are now
our own to make.
The Roles Played Within the Substance-Abusing Family
People who grew up with a parent who had
a substance abuse problem often wonder how their brothers and sisters
turned out to be so different. After all, everyone grew up in the
same household, so why aren't all the siblings alike? In all families,
substance abusing or not, brothers and sisters need to claim their
own unique identities. We need to find ways that we are not like
others in the family, and this helps us to form our own identities
and sense of self. In the alcoholic or drug-abusing family each
sibling finds his or her own unique way of coping with the conflicts.
Claudia Black, an expert on adult children of alcoholics, and others
have identified different roles that can emerge among siblings,
each of whom tries to make sense of the chaos.
The Hero. These
children try to make sure that the family appears normal to the
rest of the world. They develop a strong sense of responsibility
and project an image of competence and achievement. This is often
the first-born child, but not always. They learn as children
that someone has to be responsible for the family, and if the
parents are inducing chaos, it is up to the “hero” to
provide stability. These people often grow up to be academically
or professionally successful, although they often deny their own
feelings and may feel like imposters.
The Adjuster. In
order to cope with the conflicts within the family, these people
adjust – but often in inappropriate ways. They
often become invisible and avoid taking a stand or rocking the
boat. They learn never to plan or to expect anything, and they
deal with conflict by avoiding it. In adulthood “adjusters” may
feel that their lives are out of control and that they are drifting
meaninglessly.
The Placater. These siblings are the ones who learn early to smooth
over potentially upsetting situations in the family. They develop
a good ability to read the feelings of others, but at the expense
of their own feelings. They tend to go into caretaking professions
later in life, even though this may reinforce their tendency to
ignore their own feelings.
The Scapegoat. These
are the children who become known as the family problem. They
have a tendency to get into trouble, including alcohol and drug
abuse, as a way of expressing their anger at the family. They
serve as the “pressure valve” in
the family: when tension builds, they misbehave as a way of relieving
pressure while allowing the family to avoid dealing with the
parent's drinking problem. When they grow up, they tend to be
unaware of feelings other than anger.
Working
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